Smash Cut
by thewhitepatch
Summary: The Smashers need someone to manage their image and keep track of their affairs. Who better to do that then the one person who has experience dealing with strange people: Robin! Robin has to meet with each individual Smasher while living his own personal life among them. Is everything as it seems? Is there something bad coming for the Smashers? Robin hopes it's not his problem.
1. Mario

**Some people are going to be really excited about this, others have no idea what's going on, so I'll explain.**

**Back in January, I began writing a Fire Emblem story called 'Decruited.' Robin would meet with each individual member of his team and fire them from the army. Robin, unlike his canon self, was snarky, fourth wall aware, and a bit of a dick. It was very reminiscent to "Ex-Men" from the Pete Holmes Show. **

**It was a pretty popular story, if I do say so myself. I realized I could do the same thing with Smash brothers, given how the plot works. In fact, I realized I could increase the scope a bit and make it actually have a story.**

**To those who care, this story isn't going to be connected to the other two stories that came from Decruited. It's more of a direct sequel, so don't worry about me getting my OC peanut butter mixed with my Smash jelly.**

**I'll probably reference Fire Emblem Awakening at times throughout the story, if it's called for. Most of the time it might just be a name or a character, so if it goes too in-depth, I'll explain it at the end of the chapter.**

**Another thing I should warn you about it, spoiler-wise, everything from anything is fair game. I won't just throw out spoilers pointlessly. I'll only do so if the plot (or the comedy) demands it.**

**The story is split into five different parts. The first four will be the various meetings between Robin and the fighters, split between the four Smash games. The last one deals with the underline plot that's going to be going through the entire story.**

**Hope you like it!**

* * *

><p>"Mario, you've become a bit of a polarizing figure." Robin said.<p>

"...It's-a-me, Mario." Mario said. "I'm-a an icon! How am I polarizing?"

"Well, not only are you a somewhat racist Italian stereotype that's been made surprisingly popular, but you also seem to be pandering too much to a Western audience." Robin replied.

"Pandering? How am I-a pandering?" Mario asked.

"You can literally wear the American flag." Robin stated.

"What's-a wrong with that?" Mario asked. "I-a wore it in an old golfing game!"

"Really." Robin said. "Do you honestly think anyone remembers that?"

"...Weegee wears an outfit from some old-a anime we were in, and we-a already have a bunch of obscure-a characters." Mario said. "What's the harm in-a pandering a little?"

"Look, I just wanted to talk to you about wearing some different outfits." Robin said. "More people might be included if we have you wear the colors of all the other countries."

"How many countries are there with flags?" Mario asked.

"...Around 75…" Robin admitted. "This might not work . I doubt that they could all fit in the game."

"What?" Mario asked.

"Yeah, you're right. Might just be easier to pander to the US. Naga knows they eat that shit up." Robin admitted. "Now, the second thing on this list is that you want to change your moveset? What's wrong with it?"

"I was-a thinking that maybe we could make it all FLUDD based." Mario said.

"...Why would anybody want that?" Robin asked.

"Well, you know how popular it was back in the last-a Brawl, right?" Mario asked.

"...That's because everything was based on the Gamecube era." Robin said, then paused. "That doesn't really mean anything to you. Let's just say that this time everything should be based off Galaxy."

"But I like-a FLUDD!" Mario exclaimed. "It's my-a favorite move to use in battle."

"I doubt it even works that much." Robin stated. "Besides, I think we've scratched all the nostalgia points we need to. We got Pac-man, Mega Man, Duck Hunt, and, from Sunshine, Bowser Jr, not to mention all of his siblings." Robin said.

Mario sighed. "Fine." He said.

"Good." Robin said. They sat there in silence for a few moments. "So what's up between you and Peach?"

"What do you-a mean?" Mario asked.

"Do you guys have...something going on?" Robin asked. "Like, you know, me and Lucina?"

"Oh...I know what you-a mean." Mario said, wiggling his eyebrows. "She makes me cake."

"Yeah."

"Oh, yeah."

"..."

"..."

"...You mean real cake, don't you?"

"Well, what else would I-a mean?" Mario asked. "Doesn't Lucina make you-a cake?"

"She tried, once, but it wound up-" Robin stopped himself. "Not the point. Mario, anyone can make anybody cake. What's a special thing couples can do?"

"...Ice cream cake?"

"I'm talking about sex, Mario."

"...Is that something like-a red velvet?"

"Oh Naga." Robin sighed. "I am not giving the mascot of Nintendo the sex talk. I should find someone who knows this kind of stuff to do it."

"You mean like-a Doctor Mario?" Mario asked.

"Don't patronize me." Robin said.

"What?" Mario said. "He's my doctor, too."

"You know what?" Robin said. "We can talk about this later. Why don't you go get an extra life or whatever it is you do in your free time?"

"Okie Dokie!" Mario exclaimed. "So long-a, Robin!"

Robin sighed as Mario left.

"How did I let that gloved asshole talk me into this?"

* * *

><p><strong>Guys, Mario can be a bit boring to write, but I think I found it near the end. I would have gone more into the Doctor Mario stuff, but then I'd be out of stuff for his chapter.<strong>

**Up next: Donkey Kong!**


	2. Donkey Kong

_The joke here is extremely meta. If you don't know what going on, you're just going to think the dialogue is weird. However, I trust all of you enough to catch on to what's really going on._

_ALSO, forgot to mention this last chapter, but the cover art is from the tumblr Emilia's Fire Emblem Scribbles._

* * *

><p>"Ook."<p>

"DK, stop." Robin said.

"Oog. Eek!" DK responded.

"I know you can talk." Robin insisted.

"Ooga ooga." DK said.

"You aren't even making those noises." Robin said. "You're just saying the words 'Ooga ooga.'"

"Ack!" DK exclaimed.

"If you don't stop, I'll get your awareness level ranked down and you'll be treated like an actual animal." Robin said. "That means, among other things, you and Diddy will lose your room."

"...Fine." DK said. "That hardly seems fair, though."

"Well, you were the one who wanted to talk to me." Robin said. "I did actually want to talk to you. People were happy to hear that Donkey Kong was finally here."

"I do have my fans." DK admitted. "I wanted to talk to you about my moveset and hopefully sell you on including some of the members of my crew in the tournament."

"That's not really something I can do." Robin said. "That's something you'd have to bring up with the Hand. I understand what you're saying, though. You are the leader of bunch."

"I want to talk to you about my moveset, since, even though people know me well, I could kick even more tail." DK explained.

"What are you thinking?" Robin asked.

"My coconut gun." DK said. "You know, the one that fires in spurts?"

"Yeah." Robin said. "I see where you're coming from. However, when you shoot it, it really hurts. Too much, in fact. You'd be considered overpowered with that kind of weaponry."

"Bigger, faster, and stronger, too." DK said. "...I see what you mean. What about the other members of my crew? I'm only the first member."

"Who are you thinking?" Robin asked.

"Well, there's Tiny. She's got style and she can shrink down to fit her mood." DK explained. "No other fighter could change their size like that. Also, she can float and climb really well, so those would make great recovery skills."

"I feel like if we chose her, we would be choosing wrong." Robin said.

"Very well." DK said. "I'm just saying, with a skip and a hop, she's one cool Kong."

"...What a weird thing to say." Robin commented. "OK, who's next?"

"Well…" DK mumbled. "There's Lanky…"

"Oh, don't get me started on Lanky!" Robin exclaimed. "He's got no style, no grace, and, frankly, he has quite a funny face!"

"He's my friend!" DK exclaimed. "Besides, he can do handstands, stretch out his hands, and inflate himself like a balloon!"

"Fine, fine." Robin said. "I'm still not considering him. How's Diddy?" RObin suddenly asked.

"Well, he's back again. About time, too, if you ask me." DK said.

"Where was he?" Robin asked.

"Well, he was in a bit of a mood, but he's over it now." DK said.

"You know, he can fly really high with that jetpack on." Robin commented.

"He's one tough monkey with those pistols of his!" DK exclaimed.

"Kong." Robin corrected.

"What?"

"He's one tough Kong, not one tough monkey." Robin clarified.

"Right. Sorry." Donkey Kong said. "Finally, we get to the last member of the DK crew."

"Ah...Dixie Kong." Robin said.

"No." DK said.

"Cranky Kong?" Robin suggested.

"Nope." DK said.

"Candy Kong?" Robin asked.

"No! Chunky Kong!" DK exclaimed. "He's so strong it isn't funny!"

"I bet he could make anyone cry out for mummy." Robin commented.

"He can pick up a bolder with relative ease. He makes crushing rocks seem like such a breeze." DK said.

"I understand your argument, but I don't think so." Robin said. "He moves slow and he can't jump high. Those are pretty essential to Smash."

"I suppose." DK admitted. "Still, he's a hell of a guy. Anyway, could I suggest some items?"

"Sure." Robin replied. "What do you have in mind?"

"Well, I'm going to take it to the fridge with this one." DK said. "Walnuts, peanuts, pineapple smells, grapes, melons, oranges and coconut shells."

"...Those are just food items." Robin said. "DK, we already have those."

"Oh. Sorry." DK said. "Well, I have to break it to the gang that they got shot down. Nice talking to you." DK said, leaving the office.

"...Oh yeah." Robin said, for no particular reason.

* * *

><p><em>I had no idea what I was original going to do with this chapter. Now it's one of my favorites. I'm lucky I have such a good idea for the next chapter.<em>

_Up next: Link!_


	3. Link

_So this chapter is interesting._

* * *

><p>Robin looked at Link.<p>

"...Ok. I'll bite." Robin said. "Why exactly are there three of you?"

The Link in the middle sighed. "Well, you see-"

"Cause the ladies love a three-way!" The Link to the right exclaimed.

"...That doesn't mean what you think it means." The middle Link said.

"Hi! I'm Link!" The Link on the left said.

"...Right." Robin said. "Anyway, I think I can guess it. There are a bunch of different Links and you're all three versions of him."

"We're the badass ones that got into Smash!" The right Link exclaimed. "I'm the Hero of Time by day, lady-killer by night! I was in Smash three times, so I'm kinda better than the others."

"Killing ladies is bad." Left Link said.

"Wait, three times?" Robin asked.

"Time travel, bitch!" He exclaimed.

"Ironically, that's the Link that would later teach me his sword moves after he died prematurely." Middle Link commented,

"What was that?" Time asked.

"Anyway, you can just call me Twilight, because I did some stuff with the Twilight Realm." Twilight said.

"He's totally hitting that Midna chick!" Time exclaimed.

"You cannot hit Midna!" Left Link exclaimed. "She's an assist trophy, not a fighter!"

"I'm not banging Midna!" Twilight said.

"Really?" Time asked. "Cause if you're not…"

"Anyway, the genius to my left is the current Link, from Skyward Sword." Twilight said. "He's fighting all the matches, even though it's my Zelda and Ganondorf who he's fighting against."

"His head's kinda in the clouds." Time said.

"I live in the sky!" Sky exclaimed.

"I can't believe we descend from him…" Twilight commented.

"...Well, you three are an interesting bunch." Robin commented. "If Sky's the current Link, why are you three hanging around?"

"There are, like, five Links hanging around." Time commented. "Two-fifths of them are me, so I don't mind."

"Speak for yourself." Twilight said.

"Shut up, furry." Time retorted.

"I ride a bird!" Sky exclaimed.

"Good for you." Robin said. "This meeting is already confusing and, given what I wanted to ask you about, it's only going to get worse. I need an official account on the timeline for our records. Believe me, time travel can be a tricky business."

"Dude, I skipped puberty. What do you know?" Time asked.

"My best friend got married and had a daughter, who I married and had a child with, who also got married." Robin replied. "This happened in the span of a couple of years."

"...You married a baby?" Sky asked.

"I'm married to Lucina!" Robin exclaimed.

"Man, I thought I could hit that! Never banged a blue-haired chick before!" Time exclaimed.

"Have you ever had sex?" Twilight asked. "Seriously?"

"Bro!" Time exclaimed. "I was surrounded by hotties during my adventure! Blonds, red-heads, green-heads, fish people, and various other hotties! Really showed them my Master Sword! Bow Chicka Bow Wow!"

"That might be a bit too obvious." Robin said to himself.

"Sometimes, when a girl what's to show you that she likes you, she'll push you off of a flying island." Sky commented.

"You really should take Sky's advice." Robin said. "He's the only one who has canon on his side when it comes to having a girlfriend."

"He sure would do a hell of a lot better than you…" Twilight commented.

"I don't think so." Time said. "Sky's advice tends to vary."

"I had two girlfriends." Sky commented. "One of them got me discounts."

"Well, regardless of how smart he is, he is the first incarnation in your order, correct?" Robin asked.

"Yup." Twilight replied. "He fought against Demise."

"His sword licked me." Sky commented.

"We've all met Ghirahim." Robin said. "It feels kinda weird that he's the one that had to deal with such a sexual villain."

"I probably would have stuck him with my sword, if you know what I'm saying!" Time exclaimed. "Bow Chicka- what?" He asked, as the others looked at him.

"...Wasn't aware of that." Twilight commented.

"Yeah." Time replied. "Would help if you asked about us."

"How much of your sexuality is based off of the fact that it opens up a new realm of innuendos?" Robin asked.

"...Anyway, I come next." Time said. "Yeah, I kinda make things complicated, what with the time travel and constant sex, but, from what I understand, the stories don't mention that last part."

"Actually, if anybody would form a complete timeline, it would be me, Sky, and Young Link." Twilight commented. "I come from the timeline where Time came back from the future, stopped Ganon, and got lost in the Lost Woods. He wound up dying and becoming the Hero's Shade."

"What?" Time asked.

"Oh, don't worry about it." Twilight replied. "I'm pretty sure it's just your younger self's problem."

"Oh." Time replied. "Thank the Triforce for time clones."

"I think I get it." Robin said. "But, my only question is, if you still existed in the Bad Hyrule future, why didn't you stop the return of Ganon?"

Time looked around. "Ok, don't tell Toon this, but I kinda forgot."

"...How is that even possible?" Twilight asked. "Where could you possible have been?"

"Here." Time replied.

"...You let your homeworld suffer just so you could hang around here?" Robin asked.

"Yeah!" Time replied. "Besides, I tried returning after I found out about it during Brawl, but the Goddesses told me that the destruction of Hyrule was destined, so I was forced to stay here!" He grinned. "But hey, it could be worse!"

"...You're another Inigo, aren't you?" Robin asked. "Act's like an ass, but's actually kinda sad?"

"Sometimes I lose matches and I get sad." Sky said.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Twilight asked.

"Nothing." Sky replied. "I just haven't said anything in a while."

"...Look, I don't want to delve into whatever shit the Hero of Time is dealing with, and I got everything I need from you guys, so you can just...leave." Robin said, shooing them off.

The Links got up to leave.

"So you're not allowed to go home?" Twilight asked Time.

"Nope." Time replied.

"...Want to talk about it?" Twilight asked.

"Not really." Time replied.

"...Want to talk about it with-?" Sky asked.

"I'm going to go hit on Samus or something." Time said, exiting ahead of the other two Links, who followed him.

"...I'd ask why Hand keeps those two around, but Sky doesn't seem to have a functioning frontal lobe." Robin commented. "Someone shoot me if I have to deal with an alternate version of myself...again."

* * *

><p><em>So here's the deal: I had the idea of making Sky an idiot since I never played Skyward Sword, Time a pervert, since he deals with a bunch of attractive side characters, and Twilight the straight man.<em>

_After determining that, I realized that I had basically made the Links Blue Team from Red vs Blue. So I ran with that._

_Up Next: Samus!_


	4. Samus

_I wasn't sure what the joke was going to be for this chapter, so I just kinda rambled and this...happened._

* * *

><p>"Can I take my armor off?" Samus asked. "I don't usually wear it outside of battle."<p>

"No." Robin replied. "First off, that's bullshit. You don't wear it during battle either. Second, I'm interviewing Samus, not Zero Suit Samus. You took up two character slots, you have to come to two different meetings."

"So you're going to do the same thing with Zelda?" Samus asked.

"Actually, Sheik is Time Zelda." Robin said.

"Really?" Samus asked.

"Yup." Robin replied. "Hand wanted Sheik to have her own place in the tournament, so he called back Time Zelda to take the role."

"That actually explains a lot." Samus reflected. "That would mean the current Zelda had to be Sheik last time, and she never really seemed as comfortable as she was when she first entered the tournament." She sighed. "That Hyrule stuff can get pretty confusing."

"Tell me about it." Robin said. "Now, Mario's interesting." Robin said. "He keeps insisting that he and the Doctor aren't the same person."

"They aren't." Samus replied.

"...Seriously?" Robin asked, disbelieving. "I've never seen the two of them in the same place."

"Just ask them about it." Samus replied. "I'm sure they'll clear up the confusion. I'm not sure what the problem is with talking to me without the armor. You're married, so I assume you're not having the same problem Falcon is with eye contact."

"Believe me when I say you're not the most obnoxious person I've had to deal with when it come to boobs." Robin said. "You're not going to become obsessed with me and randomly hex people, are you?"

"No promises." Samus joked. "So what did you want to talk to me about?"

"Well, I have a few issues, but I figured I should save some of them for when you come back in Zero." Robin replied. "When it comes to the suit, however, we only really have a paperwork issue."

"What's wrong?" Samus asked.

"I don't really understand it, but, according to this paper, we technically don't have the authorization to allow you to use some of the skills in your suit." Robin explained.

"What do you mean we don't have the-" She stopped. "Oh, for Chozo's sake."

"Yes, you do not have the authorization to use some of the features of your suit." A voice replied.

"Who the hell was that?!" Robin exclaimed, nearly jumping out of his seat.

"My apologies." A man suddenly appeared, holding a lamp head in his hands. "My name is General Adam Malkovich. I am Samus's commanding officer?"

"...Were you disguised as a lamp?" Robin asked, looking at the lamp head Adam was holding.

"..." Adam turned to face Samus. "Samus, you shouldn't be using your armor without authorization."

"For God's sake, Adam! I don't work for you anymore!" Samus exclaimed.

"But you respect my authority." Adam replied.

"...Didn't you die?" Robin asked.

"Didn't you die?" Adam replied.

"Well, I'm part dragon-god...thing." Robin said. "What's your excuse?"

"...You didn't even ask for authorization." Adam replied, ignoring the topic.

"I'm sorry, who put you in charge of my personal weaponry?" Samus asked.

"You respected my orders last time." Adam replied.

"You were in charge of that mission. The last thing I need are some officials getting on my case." Samus said.

"Hey! I'm an official!" Robin exclaimed.

"You're not an ass about it." Samus replied.

"...You clearly don't know me that well." Robin admitted. He turned toward Adam. "Look, I get it. You're just bringing up some old crap with Samus because, the fact of the matter is, you're bitter because you're not in Smash."

"Why would you assume that?" Adam asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Because that's the issue everyone has when they come here!" Robin exclaimed. "God, you should have seen how much Chrom was bitching about it when he came to visit. Plus, you seem to be keeping the company that would usually complain about this stuff."

"What are you talking about?" Adam asked.

Robin pointed over to the window, where there was a purple claw sadly clawing at the window.

"...You came here with Ridley?!" Samus exclaimed.

"I did not intentionally come here with him." Adam said. "We were simply heading the same direction and decided that we might as well carpool."

"...You rode here on Ridley?!" Samus exclaimed.

"I would be lying if I said it wasn't magical." Adam said stoically. "Granted, I probably lie most of the time, so you must be used to it."

"I really don't like you." Samus simply said.

"The sexual tension is palpable." Adam monotonously said.

"I will cut you." Samus said.

"Look, I get it. it sucks that Samus is taking up two slots to represent your series." Robin said. "I get it. I'm married to someone who people were complaining about, so I heard a lot about it. The fact is, however, that there is no way in Hell we would let someone as irrelevant as you into the game."

"Is that really your choice?" Adam asked.

"I don't think so, but all of you nobodies keep annoying me about it, so I feel like there might be a misconception." Robin replied. "If you really want to try your luck, take it up with Hand. If you're feeling ballsy, you could try Sakurai."

"Who?" Adam and Samus both asked.

"Don't worry about it." Robin quickly replied. "Now get out of my office or I'll authorize Samus to shove a rocket so far up your ass people will claim the landing was fake."

"I don't need your authorization for anything!" Samus growled, charging her blaster.

"Well, now she's gonna do it no matter what I say. I'd run if I were you." Robin said.

"This meeting has been drawn to a close, I see." Adam said before, in a professional, militaristic sense, hauling ass out of there.

"...You guys were never seriously considering him for the tournament, right?" Samus asked.

"Oh, Naga no!" Robin said. "We don't need any more, non-goofy-or-unique human characters. He didn't even get a trophy. I'd bet dragonface out there would have a better chance getting in."

There was an excited noise from outside the window.

"THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE IN!" Robin shouted. "NOW GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE WE MAKE AN ELDER SCROLLS CROSSOVER AND GET THE DRAGONBORN ON YOUR ASS!"

There was a sad dragon noise, followed by departing wings.

"...What's a dragonborn?" Samus asked.

"Don't worry about it." Robin replied. "I feel like I didn't pay enough attention to you this meeting. You'll probably have a better time when others are involved."

"Whatever." Samus said. "Now that all that nonsense is over with, I'm going to leave and mentally prepare myself for when you call me back." The bounty hunter left the office.

"...I've only done this three times so far, and I've already had to deal with obscure characters, raps, and clones." Robin sighed. "There is no way I'm getting paid enough for this.

* * *

><p><em>I just kept writing until I decided to end the chapter. My writing can sometimes just be complete improv. Hope you found it funny. If not, theres always next chapter.<em>

_I have a bunch of ideas for Samus, with jokes I can do and whatnot, but none of them involve Robin. I'll still be able to do them, I'll just have to wait a bit._

_Next up: Yoshi!_


	5. Yoshi

_Sorry for the long wait, folks. It's been a busy few weeks, between school, acting stuff, and general life. I also thought, with four different stories in the burner, I might as well start a fifth! It's finals week, and I only have one final left, so I figures, since I have some free time, I'd write a bit. So here this is._

_It's kinda short, but I think it gets the joke enough._

* * *

><p>"Yoshi, I'm glad you could make it." Robin said to the… Yoshi in front of him.<p>

"Yoshi!" Yoshi exclaimed.

"Look, I went through this bullshit with DK." Robin sighed. "I know you can talk, so drop the act."

"Yoshi!"

"It's not funny, Yoshi." Robin said. "My job is to talk to you, but you're not making it easy."

"Yoshi!"

"Dammit, Yoshi!" Robin exclaimed. "If you don't talk straight to me I'll…" He paused. "...You actually can't talk, can you?"

"Yoshi!" Yoshi exclaimed positively.

"...Well, this was bound to happen." Robin sighed. "I'm literally working with animals now. Great. I guess I'll have to carry most of the weight for this conversation. I thought you would be smarter."

"Yoshi?" Yoshi exclaimed, tilting his head at the tactician.

"Well, I mean, you raised Mario." Robin replied. "I've met Mario, and you did a...decent job, all things considered. I think you raised Mario. You sure had to deal with him a lot as a baby. Why were storks always carrying him and Luigi around? Were their parents constantly giving them away?"

"Yoshi!" Yoshi exclaimed, nodding.

"Wait, really?" Robin asked. The dinosaur nodded again. "So you just kept returning these unwanted children to parents that didn't want them?" Another nod. "That's actually kinda dark. The Mario Brothers might not have had a great childhood."

"Yoshi!" Yoshi exclaimed, waving at Robin.

"What are you...what are you doing?" Robin asked, confused. "Nevermind. Anyway, we've been getting complaints about you leaving eggs all over the place. That's a problem by itself, but there have also been complaints about them emitting a horrible stench. Now, I'm not an expert of the biology of Yoshi, but I have been inside of your eggs before. It's not a pleasant experience. However, I know for a fact that the eggs don't smell like...that."

"Yoshi?" Yoshi tilted his head.

"Well, seeing as you only have one...hole, I figured there was not polite way to ask this." Robin said. "Are you pooping in your eggs?"

Silence.

"Yoshi!" Yoshi exclaimed.

"That's not a fucking answer, Yoshi!" Robin exclaimed. "That's just your name! You're not a fucking Pokémon! You're some weird dinosaur-lizard-frog-horse-thing that's apparently responsible enough to care for a human child but not above leaving your shit all over the place!"

"Yoshi!" Yoshi exclaimed happily.

"I'm sorry." Robin said. "I might be a bit stressed. I'm used to having a bit of a banter with the other person, so this is pretty different for me."

"Yoshi!" Yoshi exclaimed.

"I used to run an army." Robin sighed. "This is what I've been reduced to. I'm asking you about poop. I never had to deal with these kind of problems. Worse thing I ever had to deal with was the idea that the woman I fell in love with was my best friend's time traveling daughter."

"Yoshi!" Yoshi exclaimed.

"Yeah, I guess the Grima thing was pretty bad, too." Robin admitted. "And the random daughter appearing out of nowhere. You know, this was actually a little therapeutic. Thanks, Yoshi."

"Yoshi!" Yoshi exclaimed with a smile, as he began to leave the office.

"Oh, and stop pooping on everything!" Robin called after him.

"No promises!" Yoshi exclaimed, leaving.

Robin leaned back in his chair with a smile. "What a nice guy."

Beat.

"...That little shit."

* * *

><p><em>Up next: Kirby!<em>


	6. Kirby

_So this chapter wound up being a bit longer then I had anticipated, mainly because, when I had almost finished writing it, a new info source came up. You'll hear more about that in the chapter._

_I kinda borrowed the characterization of Kirby off of Brawl in the Family, and will probably do the same with Dedede. I have to make up funny characterizations for over 50 characters, so I think I'm allowed to borrow credited characterizations that do the best job of parodying the character in the same direction I probably would have taken it._

_Also, the line breaks were weird in the site editor, so you'll have to deal with the manual lines._

Robin looked at the chair in front of him.

"...Are you sure you don't want a phone book or something?" Robin asked.

"Nope!" Kirby's perky voice exclaimed.

"I can't really see you." Robin commented. "You don't really pass the desk."

"Why's your desk so high anyway?" Kirby asked.

"I took it from home." Robin replied. "I like it. This desk's seen a lot."

"Ok!" Kirby exclaimed. "I get it. I don't need a book! I can't read!"

"...I don't think you understand why I was offering…" Robin mumbled. "Anyway, I don't own a phone book. No one does. I wanted to ask you about why you're such a monster."

"Like a Pokemon?" Kirby asked.

"No, I mean a horrible person." Robin clarified.

"You don't like me?" Kirby asked.

"On principle, no." Robin replied. "I'm don't really like people so don't take it personally."

"I'm not a person." Kirby said.

"...I'm not going to pass up this opportunity." Robin said. "What are you?"

"I'm Kirby!" Kirby exclaimed.

"Right...I should have expected that." Robin sighed. "Science can happen later. Maybe I can get a direct answer from Meta Knight."

"He's grouchy!" Kirby exclaimed.

"Let's not talk about your much cooler and formerly overpowered friend." Robin said. "Let's talk about the complaints we've been getting from Dreamland residents, and, since Master Hand doesn't have a PR department, I've been tasked with dealing with them."

"What's wrong back at home?" Kirby asked.

"Well, as you know, some of our home-worlds have ways for people to watch the tournament from home, including your world." Robin said. "As people watched your matches, they noticed how, when you suck someone up, you pop them back out and copy their ability."

"And?" Kirby asked.

"Hand told me that it wasn't one of the de-power things they do with some of the stronger smashers, which means that this is an ability you've always had." Robin said.

"Yeah. So?" Kirby asked.

"Kirby." Robin said. "Do you understand how many Dreamland residents you've consciously chosen to kill? Do you realize how much of a monstrous murderer that makes you?"

"What's the difference?" Kirby asked.

"What?" Robin asked.

"What's the difference between that and what people thought before?" Kirby asked. "When I saw eating people, people accepted it because they assumed I didn't have any other way. Now that they know I do, does it really make my past actions worse? They were accepted before due to the fact that it needed to be done. I wasn't just eating those people: They were encouraging me."

"..." Robin opened his mouth to respond, then closed it, leaning back in his chair and thinking.

"...Are you gonna eat that?" Kirby asked, pointing a stubby arm at a stapler.

"...I'm not getting paid to consider morality." Robin said, taking the small pile of complaints and burning them. "So what's it like, eating people?"

"People taste like you would expect." Kirby replied. "You taste like an old book."

"Weird." Robin said. Suddenly, there was a flash from the computer on his desk. "What the hell?" He looked looked at the screen. "'Kirby Death Battle Data?' I ordered this a while ago! I've been pulling this conversation out of my ass! This is the last time I outsource my research. Now I have actual stuff to talk to you about!"

"Neat!" Kirby exclaimed.

"...What the fuck?" Robin said. "Says here you're a star warrior infant."

"Yup!" Kirby exclaimed.

"You're a baby." Robin clarified.

"Yup!" Kirby exclaimed.

"...That's...what?" Robin said.

"I don't know why you're so hung up on this." Kirby said. "Mario has his baby self doing stuff with him all the time, and Rosalina attacks people with babies."

"Good point." Robin said. "Also says here that your stomach is literally an alternate dimension that stores everything you eat…"

"So I don't kill people!" Kirby exclaimed.

"No, you just imprison them in your alternate dimension for the rest of their lives." Robin said. "That's not exactly better."

"What does that have to do with the fights?" Kirby asked.

"Nothing directly." Robin replied. "I just feel a bit iffy having you fight in a pacified way here only to go home and be merciless."

"Didn't you lead an army?" Kirby asked.

"Yes." Robin replied.

"And you killed a lot of people?" He asked.

"Well, that comes with the job." Robin replied.

"That's the same with me!" Kirby exclaimed.

"...I really should look more into the politics of Dream Land." Robin reflected.

"Sounds like you're all done with me!" Kirby exclaimed.

"...I suppose." Robin replied. "But I'm bringing you back when I talk to Dedede! I want to get a better idea about your situation."

"Why?" Kirby asked.

"Curiosity." Robin replied. "I've become interested in studying some of the politics of the different worlds represented in the tournament, and a world with a mass murdering baby as a hero sound like something I'd want to read up about."

"I've been eating foods from different worlds!" Kirby exclaimed.

"I bet you have." Robin said, as Kirby left his office without a goodbye. "...I can't tell if he terrifies me or not."

_So yeah. I like the way Kirby was portrayed in Brawl in the Family, as cheerful and morally ambiguous._

_Check out Death Battle on Screw Attack. You won't be disappointed. _

_Up next: Fox!_


	7. Fox

_I don't really do anything fancy here. _

* * *

><p>"...Is your name really 'Fox?'" Robin asked the pilot in front of him.<p>

"Yeah." Fox replied. "What's the matter with that?"

"It's a really stupid name, that's what's wrong." Robin replied. "Who in the hell would name their child 'Fox?' It's inane!"

"What's so unbelievable about it?" Fox asked, somewhat offended.

"Well, for starters, you're a Fox named 'Fox.'" Robin replied. "That would be like naming a human baby 'Human' or 'Baby' or 'Guy.'"

"I'm pretty sure there actually are people named 'Guy.'" Fox commented.

"Yeah? Well, they have a stupid name." Robin said. "Anyway, my second point is that this seems to only be a one time thing! Your dad's name was James! That's a real fucking name! And, for some reason, he decided to name his child 'Fox!' Was your dad stupid or something?"

"Don't talk about my father like that!" Fox exclaimed. "He's dead."

"Mine is too. High five." He extended a hand out to Fox, who simply glared at it. Robin retracted the hand. "Right. You might have actually liked your father. Odds are you didn't play a part in his death."

"You killed your father?" Fox asked, surprised.

"He started it!" Robin objected, before settling down. "Anyway, dumb name aside, I wanted to ask you about your stupid moves."

"Stupid moveset?" Fox asked. "People love my moves! They're, like, everyone's favorite moves!"

"They're also some of the least canon moves in the game." Robin replied.

"Well, obviously I couldn't fight in an Arwing." Fox countered. "My moves are based on my moves in the Arwing. I think it's pretty cool."

"That would be pretty cool, if it wasn't also bullshit." Robin said. "The gun I get. Your plain thing fires a gun, so you also have a gun. Clever. Creative. Inspired. It's all the other shit I don't get."

"What do you mean?" Fox asked.

"...Remind me when, in your universe, you lit yourself and fire and launched yourself at your enemies, dashed forward in a speedy flash of deadly light, and used that reflector thing."

"I told you, it was all based off of my Arwing skills!" Fox exclaimed.

"But you never did any of this shit in the Arwing!" Robin exclaimed. "Your moves are just all sort of half assed and weird."

"What about Falcon?" Fox asked. "Where do any of his moves come from?"

"A memorable scene from a forgotten anime." Robin replied. "However, I'll get to that asshole later. This meeting is all about you and you alone. Now, I've written up a few suggestions for a new moveset for you. It's based off the two canonical games we have of you outside your arwing." Robin said, taking out two pieces of paper and handing them to Fox.

Fox looked over the two pages. "...You wrote 'Star Fox Adventures' on this page and you appear to have just spat on it."

"Yeah, my brain kinda shut down trying to think of that game." Robin said. "For one thing, if we ever had to put what's her face in these games, we'd have to use that game as a resource...for another thing, it honestly wasn't your proudest game."

"That was the dinosaur planet, right?" Fox asked.

"Yeah, duh." Robin replied. "What, you don't remember it?"

"No." Fox replied. "I just don't refer to it as 'Star Fox Adventures.' I have a lot of adventures with my team. You'll have to be more specific."

"...Point of the matter is, it may have been an OK action-adventure game, but it wasn't an ideal Star Fox game." Robin said.

"Again, I have no idea what your base of reference is." Fox said. "I thought it was a great Star Fox adventure, mainly because we, well, did it."

"Yeah, well, I'm smarter than you, so shut it." Robin exclaimed. "Anyway, in order to avoid having you use that staff thing or have Trippy running around, we're going to use the other sheet."

Fox looked at the page. "... 'Star Fox Assault?' What was that one about?" He asked.

"The one with the robot things." Robin replied.

"The Aparoids?" Fox asked. "What does the word 'assault' have to do with them?"

"Nothing." Robin replied. "Anyway, I figured you could base your moves off of all the weapons from that game."

"...I'm flattered that you put this much thought into my moves, but I'll keep what I have." Fox said, tossing the paper away.

"But it's not canon!" Robin exclaimed.

"Whose complaining?" Fox asked.

"A lot of people!" Robin replied.

"But wouldn't more people complain about me changing my moveset. It's the main thing that's kept me popular in these tournaments." Fox commented.

"...Good point." Robin admitted. "I suppose you shouldn't mess with a good thing. You're good to go."

"Great. Thanks for this...waste of time." Fox said, standing up and leaving.

"Wait!" Robin said, noticing something. "Are both of your legs prosthetic?"

"What?" Fox said, looking down. "Yeah. I got them taken off to counteract the G-force while I'm flying-"

"You had your legs chopped off so you could be a BETTER PILOT!?" Robin exclaimed.

"...Yes?" Fox said.

"...That's one of the most metal things I've ever heard." Robin said.

"Thank you?" Fox said, confused, before leaving the office.

"...Well, I suppose if they all had their feet cut off, it would explain why all those Star Fox fighters have the same moveset." Robin said to himself.

* * *

><p><em>...It is pretty metal. And a little horrifying.<em>

_No real announcements or explaining stuff today. Just a fun chapter. _

_Up next: Pikachu!_


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